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3 Minute read | Relationships | 15.08.2025
How do you raise an issue?
Start as you want to proceed. The first 3 minutes of a conversation predict it's outcome.
Do you ever feel like raising a problem with your partner can quickly turn into bickering or an argument? In the heat of the moment, it's easy voice a complaint without considering its outcome. But openers like "You never help with the dishes!" can dash any hope of a productive conversation.
In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we call this a "harsh start-up," and it's a primary predictor of conflict escalation. But there's a powerful alternative: the "softened start-up."
A softened start-up isn't about avoiding difficult topics; it's about introducing them gently and respectfully. It protects both you, and your partner from feeling criticised and defensive, allowing more connection, and less negativity in your relationship.
It involves a few key steps:
Start with "I" instead of "You": Frame your feelings and needs from your own perspective. Instead of "You never help...", try "I feel overwhelmed when there are so many dishes in the sink."
Describe what is happening, don't judge: State the facts without blame. try “The sink is full of dishes and we need the pan to cook dinner.”
State a positive need: Clearly and politely ask for what you need to feel better. "I would really appreciate it if we could make a plan to tackle the dishes together."
This simple shift can change the entire dynamic of a conversation. By expressing a need rather than a complaint, you're inviting your partner to work with you instead of defending themselves. It creates an opportunity for connection and teamwork, even when discussing difficult issues.
A Real-Life Example: Kate and Jeff
Let's look at how the Start-up matters. At a recent BBQ, Jeff made a joke at Kate's expense, and she felt hurt and embarrassed.
The Harsh Start-Up
Once home, Kate angrily confronts Jeff as he's relaxing on the couch.
Kate: "I can't believe you made that joke about me in front of everyone at the BBQ! You're so inconsiderate, you made me look like an idiot!"
Jeff: "Wow, it was just a joke! You're completely overreacting. Everyone thought it was funny."
This conversation escalates quickly. Kate feels unheard and invalidated, while Jeff feels unfairly attacked. The actual issue gets lost in the argument.
The Softened Start-Up
Instead, Kate waits until they are alone and calm.
Kate: "Hey, can I talk to you for a second? I felt really embarrassed and hurt when you made that joke about my cooking today. I would really appreciate it if in the future you could avoid making jokes at my expense."
Jeff: "Huh. I didn't even think about it that way. I was just trying to be funny, but I hear what you're saying. Sorry luv.”
In this scenario, Kate has clearly and respectfully stated her feelings and needs. Jeff, in turn, is able to listen without feeling defensive. The conversation strengthens their bond rather than tearing it down.
By expressing your needs without criticism, you open a path to deeper understanding and intimacy.
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