Flooding

5 Minute read  |  Relationships  |  24.06.2025

You keep on knockin', but you cant come in!

When Emotions Overflow: Understanding Flooding in Your Relationship

Ever found yourself in a heated discussion with your partner, feeling like your brain has just hit a wall? Or perhaps you've been on the receiving end of a sudden shutdown, where your partner seems to completely disengage? This experience, often described as "flooding" by relationship experts like Dr. John Gottman, is a powerful physiological and emotional response that significantly impacts communication in intimate relationships.

What Exactly is Flooding?

In the Gottman Method, flooding refers to an emotionally and physically overwhelming state during conflict. When feeling attacked or misunderstood, our bodies trigger a "fight, flight, or freeze" response. This elevates heart rate and stress hormones, diminishing our ability to think clearly, listen, or respond constructively. It's like an emotional alarm blaring, making calm, productive conversation nearly impossible. This is the essence of flooding.

The Impact on Communication

When one or both partners are flooded, healthy communication grinds to a halt. Here's how it typically plays out:

• Difficulty Listening and Understanding: The heightened emotional state makes it hard to truly hear what your partner is saying. Your focus shifts from understanding to self-protection, leading to misinterpretations and defensiveness.

• Escalation of Conflict: Flooding often fuels a negative cycle. One partner's overwhelmed reaction can trigger the other's, leading to a rapid escalation of anger, frustration, or withdrawal.

• Stonewalling: A common response to flooding, stonewalling occurs when a person emotionally or physically withdraws from a conversation, shutting down completely. Though it appears to be avoidance, it's often a self-soothing attempt to escape overwhelming feelings, leaving the other partner unheard and frustrated.

• Harsh Startups: Flooding can lead to "harsh startups," where conversations begin with criticism, blame, or contempt, setting a negative tone.

• Unresolved Issues and Resentment: When flooding prevents effective communication, conflicts remain unresolved, festering into resentment and emotional distance, making it feel like walking on eggshells.

Managing Flooding for Healthier Communication

The good news is that recognising and managing flooding is a crucial step towards healthier communication. The Gottman Method emphasises strategies to prevent and recover from flooding:

• Recognise the Signs: Learn to identify your own physiological and emotional signs of flooding (e.g., racing heart, tension, feeling overwhelmed, wanting to escape).

• Take a Break: If you or your partner feel flooded, take a pre-agreed-upon break from the conversation. This isn't about avoiding the issue permanently, but about self-soothing and calming your nervous system. Aim for at least 20 minutes, engaging in activities that help you relax (e.g., listening to music, reading, taking a walk).

• Return to the Conversation: It's vital to agree to return to the discussion after you've both calmed down. This shows commitment to resolving the issue and prevents resentment from building.

• Self-Soothing Techniques: Practice self-soothing techniques regularly, not just during conflict. This builds your capacity to manage stress and stay regulated when difficult conversations arise.

By understanding and managing flooding, couples can transform conflict into opportunities for deeper connection, creating a safe space for emotional expression and problem-solving.

Another helpful skill to reduce the likelihood of triggering a flooding response in your partner, is to practice the ‘Softened Start-up’.