My Partner and I Never fight!

3 Minute read  |  Relationships  |  06.07.2025

What to know about conflict avoidance.....

Do you and your partner struggle with conflict avoidance?

“My partner and I never fight!” At face value this statement paints a picture of blissful harmony and cohesion right? However the absence of conflict alone is not a helpful measure in the science of happy, long lasting relationships. 

In fact, the couples who tend to avoid conflict often still find themselves in counselling. Problems and hurt feelings are present, they just aren’t talked about or resolved. 

Avoiding conflict may keep things more calm in the moment, but what are the consequences? How can our partner know our internal world when we shut it down in an effort to avoid conflict? 

Emotional distance can grow between partners when conflict is avoided, and so can feelings of loneliness and resentment. This is never what we hope for when we avoid conflict.

What can conflict avoidance look like?

• Withholding Hurt Feelings: A partner chooses not to speak up when their feelings get hurt, aiming to avoid "making a big deal out out of it." This can lead to unspoken resentment and unresolved emotional issues.

• Covering Up Mistakes to Prevent Arguments: To pre-empt a potential disagreement, a partner might fix an issue (like a car dent) without informing their spouse.

• Stonewalling During Conflict: When a discussion becomes difficult, a partner might withdraw by shutting down, turning away, or engaging in distracting behaviours, effectively ceasing to respond. This is a significant form of conflict avoidance that can severely damage communication.

What causes conflict avoidance?

A lot of people will say they are uncomfortable with conflict, or believe conflict is ‘bad’ in a relationship. Maybe in the past, you have felt like conflict has gotten you nowhere in your relationship. A big reason people avoid arguments is that one or both partners get overwhelmed (what experts call "flooding") and don't know how to handle it when a conflict starts to happen. 

The name 'flooding' refers to a flood of stress hormones (such as adrenalin and cortisol) to the nervous system that generates what is commonly known as the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response. When people are physiologically flooded, they have trouble processing incoming information, meaning their capacity to listen and understand their partner is significantly reduced. 

When you avoid a problem, you might feel better for the moment. But if you don't solve it, that problem will likely pop up again later, especially when similar feelings arise. Often, when many small issues are ignored, they build up and can lead to an even bigger argument. 

These kinds of conflicts are highly emotional, and it's tough to fix anything when so many problems are brought up all at once. The good news is, there are ways to manage those overwhelming feelings (called "flooding"). Learning to do this can help you be ready to handle conflicts more effectively as they happen.

Read more about managing Flooding.